CODE RED: The community is on high alert. Valentine’s Day is around the corner and so is one cherubic little criminal – Cupid. Aliases include Amor, Cupido and Eros. Don’t be fooled by his rosy cheeks, chubby little legs and those damn ringlets that adorn his seemingly angelic face. He is armed and he is dangerous. His weapon of choice – a bow and arrow.
Cupid is allegedly the symbol of love. In modern times he has become the spokesperson for Valentine’s Day which explains his annual reemergence around and during February 14th. Several witnesses have confirmed that if Cupid shoots you, you will fall madly in love with the next person you meet. You’ve been warned.
Cupid has been called a hit man and an enforcer, “[T]hink Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator in leather jacket and sunglasses, and carrying a shotgun that shoots arrows. But he doesn’t have a motorcycle; he has wings. The man is a professional and out for business.”
Members of the community that should be especially vigilant are single men. That is, anonymous sources have reported observing single women in their 30s conspiring with Cupid to take these men out. Yes, the situation is dire.
Gentlemen, if you are dating a woman who has recently mentioned: A) meeting her parents; B) having a drawer at your place; and/or C) her biological clock, then you are particularly susceptible.
And take heed, Cupid is small and has wings. He can easily fly into your home and strike you in the middle of the night. That’s right. Cupid has no qualms about burglarizing your home. Add that to his lengthy rap sheet that dates back to 300 B.C. – attempted murder, conspiracy to commit attempted murder, assault, coercion, and criminal possession of a weapon, just to name a few.
This CODE RED will begin February 13th, extend through February 14th and, God help us all, into February 15th due to Cupid’s infamy of striking during the night. Just ask his wife Psyche. During the beginning of their marriage he would only visit her at night in the shadows of the darkness. WEIRD-O.
So if you awake one morning during the period of high alert wanting to go to brunch….after linen shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond….followed by a couples photo shoot - do not hesitate. Call 911 immediately. You will need all first responders on deck. You have been struck by Cupid’s arrow.
Be safe. Be smart. If you see Cupid don’t try to be a hero. Call the authorities. And Happy Valentine’s Day!
Seema Iyer is a criminal defense & civil rights attorney with her own lawfirm in NYC. She hosts the weekly legal show "The Docket" on Shift by MSNBC.com. Seema also appears frequently on television as a legal analyst. Follow her on Twitter @seemaiyeresq
Follow The Dean's Report on Twitter