Happy Holidays! I bet you need some help picking out a gift for that Type A control freak attorney in your life. Here’s one for every day of Christmas!
On the First Day of Christmas…..A PARALEGAL. Every lawyer needs one. From doing legal research and filing motions, to making that perfect cup of black coffee and enduring misplaced anger in the form of verbal abuse. We all need a legal sidekick. Unfortunately you won’t be able to purchase a paralegal for the lawyer in your life this holiday season. Apparently buying and selling people is frowned upon under the law. Something about human trafficking???
On the Second Day of Christmas…..A SUIT. Between the new crop of attorneys just entering the field and the ex-hippies, there’s a group of men that simply insist on bucking tradition. Some old-timers continue to wear jeans despite being continually reprimanded by Judges. And the newbies with their skinny suits? Well they’ll learn their lesson soon as they’ve eaten one too many chocolate Santas and their pants split in the middle of a vigorous cross-examination. As for female lawyers, skirt suits or pant suits are fine. Rubber dresses, micro-minis and jean jackets….. not so much.
On the Third Day of Christmas…..GLASSES. Stereotypical, cliché, whatevs. Glasses make us all look smarter. Deal with it. And it’s somewhat important (kinda? maybe?) to “look” intelligent in front of a judge or jury, even if you really are a bumbling idiot.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas…..A BRIEFCASE. Nothing is more revolting to me than seeing a lawyer carry a backpack in court. Is it the summer before your senior year in college? Are you trekking through Europe with 2 pairs of underwear, a pair of socks, staying at youth hostels, bathing in sinks? ARE YOU???!
On the Fifth Day of Christmas…..SHOES. Let me be clear – dress shoes. Shoes that go appropriately with your suit. Not some weird hipster hybrid of a sneaker and an oxford. Save it for your weekend of composting in Seattle. Ladies, this one also includes you. Pumps are okay – open-toe silver strappy sandals ARE NOT.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas…..GROOMING. Buy that lumbersexual lawyer in your life a decent shave for God’s sake. Or at least a trim please. And tattoos need to be covered in the courtroom. Sleeves make that mostly easy but you’d be surprised how many attorneys sport neck tattoos. Not to fret. Macy’s has a splendid selection of scarfs and ascots.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas…..THE LAW. There’s an app for that. Really! So buy that legal eagle love in your life a downloadable penal! (It’s PENAL not…..oh grow up!)
On the Eighth Day of Christmas…..EARBUDS. Lawyers are often stuck in court all day so a mobile office is a must. Let’s say opposing counsel sends a 911 call or a video, headphones make reviewing in semi-privacy easy-peesy. Also useful for dance parties during jury deliberations. What? We get bored…….
On the Ninth Day of Christmas…..ANTACIDS. Practicing law is very stressful evidenced by a high rate of ulcers. So give your favorite counsel an extra-large, extra-strength bottle of chewable Tums. Chewable is essential because another hazard of litigation is lack of access to the facilities. Either you’re on trial and never get a bathroom break or you’re waiting for your case to be called and can’t leave the courtroom. Water is your kryptonite. Get used to walking around dehydrated with a hole burning in your belly. Good times.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas…..TOOTHBRUSH. The classic line every Judge uses before holding a lawyer in contempt is “hope you brought a toothbrush.” So make sure that lawyer in your life doesn’t neglect their dental health when they get thrown in the clink.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas…..CASH. Bail money. (Your favorite lawyer’s in the big house, remember?) Or to take witnesses to lunch. (And by lunch do I mean give them a wad of dough after they testify? Do I????)
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas…..A FLASK. At the end of a long day in court a good swig of the hard stuff is mandatory before going to the bar. The courthouse bar is an entire block from the courthouse. No one should make that journey without adequate sustenance.
And for a stocking stuffer how about a mini-bottle of Jack Daniels? Now that’s what I call a Merry Christmas! ‘Tis the Season all!!!
Seema Iyer is a criminal defense & civil rights attorney with her own lawfirm in NYC. "She hosts the weekly legal show "The Docket" on Shift by MSNBC.com. Seema also appears frequently on television as a legal analyst." Follow her on Twitter @seemaiyeresq
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